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Are you smothering your new love interest?

ja

Posted by John Aiken, RSVP dating and relationship expert on

In all new relationships, we're confronted with the challenge of balancing together time with separateness. We want to get plenty of quality moments together to create a bond but we also need time apart to maintain our independence and sense of identity.

If you can get this balance right - then things will tend to move along smoothly. But get this wrong, and you'll ultimately find that you smother one another and burn things out.

Here are 10 tell tale signs that you're smothering your new partner:

1. You need to contact your partner many times each day (e.g. texts, phone calls)
2. You're desperate to plan future dates and catch-ups
3. You ask lots of questions and want to know their whereabouts
4. You initiate intense public displays of affection
5. You push for sex all the time
6. You want to be with them any time they go out
7. You will change your plans to fit in and be with them
8. You want to constantly discuss your feelings and the state of the relationship
9. You regularly ask them for re-assurance
10. You become anxious and needy when away from them

Now if this sounds like you - all is not lost. By creating some much needed space in your relationship you can let it breathe again and allow your partner to get their life back. It might scare you but you have to remind yourself that if you keep things the same, the relationship will eventually burn out.

So let your partner have some alone time, both of you catch-up with friends separately, pursue your own interests and create some individual goals. Stop discussing feelings and the state of your relationship. If you have a need for re-assurance, then talk to your friends. Let them initiate sex and affection and reduce your frequency of daily contact. No more interrogation sessions, have some more fun with each other and stick to your plans rather than changing things just to be with them.

In the end, if you are think you are smothering your new partner just remind yourself that 'less is more' when it comes to having a successful relationship.


John Aiken, RSVP dating and relationship expert, seen weekly on Ch 7's the Morning show, and author of the new book Making Couples Happy (www.johnaiken.com.au)


Comments are welcome. We love to know what you think and constructive discussion on the blog topic is encouraged. But please note, if any comments are troll-like or off topic, they will be actively ignored and deleted. For more details, please refer to our Comment Moderation Guidelines.

Disclaimer
The information and advice provided is for general information purposes only. Whilst we endeavor to make the information useful, RSVP and John Aiken make no representations or warranties of any kind, express or implied, about the completeness, accuracy, reliability or suitability to your personal circumstances. Any reliance on this advice and information is therefore strictly at your own risk. In no event will RSVP or John Aiken be liable for any loss or damage including without limitation, indirect or consequential loss or damage, or any loss or damage whatsoever arising in connection with, the use of this advice.
124 comments

Comments


secondstrike
secondstrike
Sweets,
If he wants to & you want him, why don't you just say yes?
WishGranted
Goolwa (was WishGranted)
Cheers, AS - goddit and blessings re: you and your new lady!!
AlienSpaceship
AlienSpaceship
WishGranted,

Thanks for asking, full steam ahead, no brakes. Fantastic lady, hope she doesn't get sick of me.

She sent a kiss, I emailed. I have been on the site for 2 years, she for several. We asked each other - where have you been hiding ? Shows you that you have to leave no stone unturned and take a chance even if the profile innitially doesn't get you.

Mate, if you like just one thing about a lady, just go for it, you will learn to like the rest.

CJ "Runaway train..."
Sweetlady40
Sweetlady40
Hmmmm... an interesting thought Alien.... picturing you throwing caution to the wind Wish... & then running for cover... knowing full well she is going to get you anyway.

SecondStrike - you are so right! I would love to have the luxury of working part-time. My dear sweet interstate friend suggesting relocating when he retires, & cooking & cleaning & looking after me & the kids. But just can't get my head around the concept, as I'll be working for at least till I'm 70.

Sweets
WishGranted
Goolwa (was WishGranted)
AS - are you still happily entangled?

SS - yes, I am a carer but was never cut out for priesthood.
stardust
stardust
Thanks Alien, I'm having visions of an (elderly) woman handing her false teeth to her partner before having sex.

"Be a dear and put them on the bedside table for me?"
secondstrike
secondstrike
What are we going to do about you Alien? What would we do without you?
And what would all you guys do without us?
Sounds like you've no choice but to live dangerously, Wish Granted!
LadyLikesToDance
LadyLikesToDance
MrAlien, too funny.

Gotta admire your gumption Hun xxx
AlienSpaceship
AlienSpaceship
Wish Granted,

"once bitten, twice shy..."

Forget about that !!!

Male funnel web spider holds female's fangs while they are mating so that she can't strike him. When they are finished, he is exhausted and lets go. She kills him and eats him. And he knew that it was going to happen !

Male of the species are like that - no matter how much we get massacred at the hands of women, we come back for more...
secondstrike
secondstrike
Sweets & Alien,

Everyone is different. I know many retired people who wonder how they ever had time to work and so enjoy their freedom.
WishGranted
Goolwa (was WishGranted)
Sweets and AS - agree but the problem remains of how to be sure?

Many treat it as a 'game' but I think that's a defence mechanism, just as my "prickly" (as one lady called it) profile is.

To me, once bitten, twice shy, but despite all evidence to the contrary, not sure I should give up yet!
Sweetlady40
Sweetlady40
Yes Alien as a full-time working mum with 3 young children I do look for men who are working (rather than planning retirement) & have young children.

Sweets
AlienSpaceship
AlienSpaceship
Sweets,

You make a good point about potential problems when one person has a lot more time than their partner. I have found that to be the biggest obstacle in developing relationships as most ladies my age are retired and I still work. I've even had to put it in my profile that I prefer a working person.

As for smothering your love, don't ever think that you are doing that, there is never too much love !

I had a girlfriend last year who was great but used to say that I was "crowding" her. Naturally, it couldn't last.

I think you have the right attitude and your openess in your previous comments about monogamy and committment show that.
secondstrike
secondstrike
Yours are good, too, CJ.

Sweets, I do believe you are on track. Enjoy & go for it. Can't see you smothering anyone, unwontedly.
Sweetlady40
Sweetlady40
Perhaps it is a little complicated when one has more time on their hands than the other. It important to give each other space; to respect their time with their children, family, friends. Their time to engage in separate interests; their commitment to their work. And to really enjoy one's time together as a couple,

Sweets
Sweetlady40
Sweetlady40
I do not believe I am smothering my love, however I do believe in being treating with respect & treating him likewise.

Sweets
LizardQueen
LizardQueen
I always like your posts and wisdom too CJ. Ü
canberrajenniferj
canberrajenniferj
secondstrike and Liz.....

Thank you,
I enjoy reading your Posts.

CJ,
LizardQueen
LizardQueen
Very interesting CJ.
secondstrike
secondstrike
Clever, CJ

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