Dear John - Online dating
Posted by The RSVP Team onLast week, we asked you to send in your questions on online dating. Thank you for getting in contact - there were so many interesting issues raised in relation to dating and etiquette especially.
Because there were so many questions and popular topics, John will provide responses to a selection of questions over the next few weeks. Starting below...
I started a friends with benefits relationship with someone I met online. I know I'm not the only girl in his life. How do I get over the fact that this is all he wants and not to properly date? Also is it strange that I only see him once a month even though he is aware I live alone?
The lesson here is that when you meet a new love interest and they tell you they only want a "friends with benefits" arrangement then that's exactly what it means. They only want fun and casual, with absolutely no commitment. Don't invest your energy trying to change their dating approach. Instead, you move on to a new person who wants the same thing as you. You're looking for long-term love - so sets your sights on this, be selective and get good at saying "no" to the wrong ones.
My question concerns a problem I've noticed over several years of online dating. That is, talking about previous relationships. Of course one can mention briefly their recent history - that's fine. Talking about ex-spouses is also appropriate, particularly if contact has to be maintained because of children. What I'm talking about is over-sharing, particularly on first dates. Hearing about ex's is a giant turn-off, especially as you go on to further dates. Same with gushing about the opposite sex: as a man, I find women that do this annoying at the very least; at worst, I think it's disrespectful. My question is, why do women (and I'm guessing men) do this? It's not relevant, not helpful, and in longer relationships can lead to feelings of resentment and insecurity. In my experience, this issue seems to be getting worse. First date-itis I call it - doing everything you can to make the other person feel unattracted to you!
I actually ended a relationship last year, citing this as one of the main reasons. Constantly referencing her dating history, blurting out inappropriate stories, talking endlessly about the men at her work, and even providing specific sexual details regarding past partners - you get the picture. After nine months I quit.
I'm now seeing someone new, and after one month (despite making it clear that I don't like to dwell on the past) it's happening again! Help, I'm tearing my hair out.
You're absolutely right - bringing up an ex early on in the dating process is a passion killer! And it's true that both men and women do this. The problem with hearing about an ex all the time is that it ruins the chemistry between you both because it suggests the person isn't over the past. It creates fear and worry that the person you're dating has baggage and they're not ready to move on. My advice would be to keep on looking for someone who's ready to focus on the present and the future rather than dwelling on the past.
Yes I do have a burning question about etiquette. On one occasion, after many RSVP emails then texting I progressed to a date and we've gone out to dinner, I thought we mostly got on well. Didn't think he was "the One" but still I sent a text thanking him for his hospitality. I did not get a reply. So I didn't follow up again. I'm dying to find out what it was he didn't like about me etc... What could I have done to find out with out pulling teeth?
It's very normal to feel confused and anxious when you go out on a date and they don't ring back. You want to know the "why". However - you say that he wasn't the "one" - so I wouldn't give it anymore thought. Dating is a numbers game - and you're eliminating the bad to get to the good. He didn't meet your needs, so it's time to move on. Don't take it too personally. To help you with this - focus on why he wasn't right for you (not the one) rather than why he didn't ring back!
How long should u wait before asking a girl to meet up for a coffee?
Is it too forward to ask after 3 or 4 emails back and forth?
Everyone is different in terms of when they decide to meet up for a first coffee date. That's one of the great things about online dating - you control the pace. Go with your instinct. If you feel really comfortable with this person and you're getting a sense that they're really excited about meeting you then push forward. Remember, it's just a casual coffee. It's a very relaxed and safe way to see if you want to take things further. Good luck!
John I believe that who ever wants to be on RSVP should have a photo up. As this puts everyone in the same position when viewing a profile. It also prevents each other wasting their time when waiting to find out what that person looks like. You would never meet some one on a blind date so why have or start up a relationship with someone you've never meet before.
So I feel that if should be compulsory to have a photo up when registering with RSVP.
Also people's photos should only be 12 months old as this can be very misleading for the other person.
I also feel other people should not write their profile as the person who is on RSVP needs to come across in the way that they know themselves - not their best friend's opinion as they can be biased in so many ways. What they think is really great and a wonder quality in a person might not be the same for someone else.
So I feel it's best that they write there own. Do you?
One of things about online dating is that it's all about choices. And for some people they don't feel comfortable putting up a photo, or they need the help of others to write their profile. It's a choice. Now that doesn't mean that it will necessarily help them in the dating process, however RSVP statistics show that a profile with a photo gets 11 times more interest than a profile with no picture. But at the end of the day, singles have choices about how they want to portray themselves on dating sites. So my best advice for you is to focus on your approach and avoid those that don't have the profiles that match your needs.
John Aiken, RSVP dating and relationship expert, seen weekly on Ch 7's the Morning show, and author of the new book Making Couples Happy (www.johnaiken.com.au)
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The information and advice provided is for general information purposes only. Whilst we endeavor to make the information useful, RSVP and John Aiken make no representations or warranties of any kind, express or implied, about the completeness, accuracy, reliability or suitability to your personal circumstances. Any reliance on this advice and information is therefore strictly at your own risk. In no event will RSVP or John Aiken be liable for any loss or damage including without limitation, indirect or consequential loss or damage, or any loss or damage whatsoever arising in connection with, the use of this advice.
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