Dear John - Part 2
Posted by The RSVP Team onThis week, RSVP's Dating and Relationship Expert, John Aiken, continues to answer your questions about online dating, success and etiquette.
After 3 months of intensive dating I declared my love for a woman who gave me every signal that she really wanted to be with me. I sent her flowers with a nice card. After that she wouldn't return my calls. I am at a loss to know what happened.
The woman concerned is a single mother who works 4 days per week, has shared custody and studies at Uni. Yes she is busy but she often initiated contact and would drive from the Gold Coast to see me in Brisbane. I would take it turn about and drive down to see her.
Can you give me any advice? Would it be prudent to just let her go? Or should I leave it for a few weeks and to make contact again?
This type of running away can happen from time to time when you start to date someone new. They seem keen and make all the right noises - but when you begin to look to the future and try and get serious they pull away. Essentially, she thought she was ready - but then realized she had too much on her plate and backed off (e.g. working 4 days a week, solo mother, Uni student). So it's time for you now to step back and don't chase. Let her go, and if she wants anything in the future, she'll need to do the hard yards to win you back.
I've been on RSVP and prior to that another dating site for about a year and a half and I have never been on a date. I'm considering just deleting my account because it's not working but perhaps I'm doing something wrong.
The excuse I seem to be getting is I don't have time for dating right now and then they disappear. Maybe my photos aren't good enough but I don't like my photo being taken and I also think its a bit shallow to only be judged on a photo. Perhaps its my portfolio or just bad luck.
Shake it up and get creative. If the old way hasn't worked - try something different. It's always good to be considering your profile and refreshing it on a regular basis. Certainly, you must have several good photos of yourself as this will get 11 times more interest than a profile with no photos. It's not shallow - it's simply human nature. Most singles want to know who they're talking to online. I would also enlist the help of a friend to overhaul your profile, get the best photos of you and change up your description. Often they can see things you don't, and it will give you confidence to continue to get out there and meet new singles. Good luck!
As an older woman (52) I command a fair bit of male attention. Attracting a man is not a problem. The issue I would like help with is on honesty. I find so many men are dishonest about who they are, what they look like, how they see the world. This initial dishonesty destroys any hope of a relationship and it seems to happen time and time again.
Short of creating a survey for men to answer, asking for a copy of their licence and doing a background check lol...how do you get someone to be honest. I understand no-one wants to reveal themselves completely but dishonesty just creates issues from the start.
It's quite simple. To get a guy to be honest - ask him very direct questions. It doesn't matter how direct the questions are - they need to be specific and clear. Are you married? Do you have kids? How many? Do you want to get married again? How long do you typically wait before having sex? When was your last relationship? How long did it last and why did it break-up? You also need to be totally up front with him as well at this time, and model for him the honesty you expect in a relationship. Then observe how he responds. If you get vague answers, resistance or defensiveness - he's got something to hide and you need to move on.
How long should u wait before asking a girl to meet up for a coffee? Is it too forward to ask after 3 or 4 emails back and forth?
Everyone is different in terms of when they decide to meet up for a first coffee date. That's one of the great things about online dating - you control the pace. Go with your instinct. If you feel really comfortable with this person and you're getting a sense that they're really excited about meeting you then push forward. Remember, it's just a casual coffee. It's a very relaxed and safe way to see if you want to take things further. Good luck!
Would you know please:
- the proportion of the dating population that uses online techniques?
- of these, how many result in marriage?
Thanks for your help.
Every year, RSVP commissions a research project called the Date of Nation Report whereby approximately 3500 Australians are interviewed to find out their dating and relationship patterns. In the most recent 2013 survey, it was found that 51% of Aussies have used or would consider using online dating and that it was the third most popular way of meeting new singles.
The research also shows that 16% of all Aussies have married or established a de-facto relationship as a result of online dating. Furthermore, 19% of RSVP members have got married as a result of using the site. So the take home message is - online dating is popular, the stigma has gone, and there are lots of success stories out there. So jump in and enjoy the ride!
Do you have any advice for dating a man and being in a relationship with a guy who has female friends who he spends time with and comments on how lovely they are and look. I find it a bit challenging as it brings up my insecurities that I am not good enough to be the main woman in his life. I know that both he and I have free will and his happiness does matter to me.
I take a pretty black and white view to dating. You should do things that make your partner feel special and brings them close. If you act in a way that pushes your partner away - then you need to stop doing this. His comments about the looks of other women hurt you so he needs to change this. Bring this up with him, tell him how it makes you feel - "insecure", "unimportant", "not good enough", and then ask him to keep his compliments for you. If he argues, resists or dismisses you, then you either have to accept this behaviour or find a guy that doesn't treat you like this. Remember - tell him how terrible it makes you feel and this will make him stand up and take notice.
John Aiken, RSVP dating and relationship expert, seen weekly on Ch 7's the Morning show, and author of the new book Making Couples Happy (www.johnaiken.com.au)
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The information and advice provided is for general information purposes only. Whilst we endeavor to make the information useful, RSVP and John Aiken make no representations or warranties of any kind, express or implied, about the completeness, accuracy, reliability or suitability to your personal circumstances. Any reliance on this advice and information is therefore strictly at your own risk. In no event will RSVP or John Aiken be liable for any loss or damage including without limitation, indirect or consequential loss or damage, or any loss or damage whatsoever arising in connection with, the use of this advice.
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