Are you too picky?
Posted by RSVP on
We all have ideals about who we want to date, and perhaps even ideological images of exactly how they should look, act, talk, what their interest are, etc. It's that 'knight in shining armour' mindset that our childhood story books are filled with, and what we spend our many (and for some many, many) dating years trying to find. Unfortunately, in some cases in can simply be that people are just too picky.The reality is that few mortals can fulfil every requirement on our very long checklists. No one is perfect - no, not even you! Ditching someone the first time they annoy you could really impact your love life in the long run.
There is a difference though between settling for someone you could never find attractive and adjusting your wish list into two categories: deal-breakers and preferences. For example, not wanting kids could be a deal-breaker for you. But being only average in height might be something you can live with - same applies to appearances: if she's a size 14 rather than the impossibly lanky (and generally unhealthy) size 6 - does it really matter in the scheme of things?
What is most frustrating is watching GREAT people overlook other GREAT people for what are in most people's estimation... superficial reasons.
The first step is to determine your search criteria.
Write down exactly what you are looking for in the opposite sex. Make a list of the 10 most important traits you are searching for in your life partner and pick ONLY three that are absolutely essential. Then make a list of ten shortcomings you don't want your potential partner to have and select ONLY three that are absolutely unacceptable. Now you can do one of two things:
- Do some serious strategic and proactive marketing to better your chances in our highly competitive romantic culture (be very proactive, develop your flirting skills, meet lots and lots of people), OR
- Re-evaluate how you are doing your selecting, wrestle with and broaden your search criteria.
Becoming less or more picky than you currently are about whom you date may improve your chances of finding true love - for the first time or again. Read below to see how you can adjust your level of pickiness.
Here's what you should be picky about:
- What matters most: Qualities that matter in every situation such as a similar value system, communication style, and level of integrity. If they have these same qualities it means the two of you will be on the same page in many aspects.
- Family goals: Your partner should have the same family goals as you, such as having children or not, getting married or not. For starters, work out whether you both want a long-term relationship or just some fun.
- The ex-factor: Choosing a person who has no ex's lurking around hoping to reignite the relationship. Lurking ex's tend to cause problems for relationships because the "lurked" is often torn between the past and present relationship and cannot fully be in either.
- Independence: The person you choose should have their own friends and interests or at least be working on it. You want someone who is living well with or without you to avoid unhealthy dependencies and resentments.
- Levels of attraction: It seems obvious, but the person should be someone you find attractive. (note: You should never choose someone based on looks alone. We all get saggy, old and wrinkly in no time at all. This may be an extreme, but what happens if your partner gets into an accident and messes up their face - are you going to ditch them because they're no longer eye candy?)
You probably don't need to be picky about:
- Their social clique: This doesn't necessarily define them.
- Materialisms: How much money / material wealth they have shouldn't be a deciding factor in whether or not you should date a person.
- Looks alone: You need to be attracted to your potential partner but, you might be surprised to find yourself attracted to someone who is not your 'type', so don't stereotype or you could miss out!
- Their profession: Even if you have had a bad experience with someone of a particular profession, chances are the trouble was with that particular person and not what they did for a living! So be open minded and don't judge a book by it's cover!
- Skeletons in the closet: A person's past, assuming it has been dealt with, is exactly that - the past. So don't focus in this, rather look at the person in front of you now, chances are they are a better person from their previous experiences so you will be gaining anyway!
You are too picky if:
- You don't have any problem getting a date, but everyone you date has something about him or her that turns you off.
- You have very specific ideas about who your partner needs to be: a particular religion, income level, profession, very similar interests, etc.
- You need a person to prove him or herself to you over and over again, before you consider opening up to them.
- You are adamant that a partner can never let you down.
- You have a particular style or type of person you like and will only date this kind of person.
Being too picky can mean that you'll miss out and end up alone. So it;s best to try and get a balance between what you consider to be 'must-haves' and what yopu are willing to compromise on. Often a person's full personality and attributes won't shine through initially, you'll have to get to know them before you really get to enjoy who they are. Think about all your friends and how great a people they are, it's only because you know them that you feel this strongly. Give someone new the same benefit of the doubt.
In fact, according to research, that magical thing called human bonding doesn't even begin to show up until date number three. So make sure to keep your heart and the eyes open and don't judge a book by it's cover. At the very least you'll make some great new friends!